Last month, we talked about the importance of “Canceling the Debt” or Forgiving your child’s other parent for the pain that they caused you in the past. I stated that this was an important step to take in order for the relationship between you and your child’s other parent to grow. This month, we are going to discuss what it looks like AFTER you have forgiven your child’s other parent and how one simple word can save you thousands of dollars and added stress. That word is Communication.
Communication is often cited as the key to all healthy relationships, but no one ever really explains how to communicate and the steps that need to be taken in order to do it effectively. Today, I am going to give you some practical steps to take in order for you to effectively communicate with your child’s other parent.
But before we get into the steps, I would like to have a little story time. You ready? So, some time last year I had a temporary orders hearing in front of the late Retired State District Judge Solomon John “Sol” Casseb III of the Bexar County District Courts. The case was a contested custody case in which I was representing the father. The hearing lasted nearly 5 hours and it was a lot of back and forth concerning each parent’s fitness. My client was alleging that the mother had a drinking problem, and the mother was alleging that my client didn’t have enough time with the child alone in order to properly care for the child as the primary parent. At the conclusion of the hearing, Judge Casseb made his ruling which was to have the child remain with the mother primarily but gave my client a standard possession schedule (visits every 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend). I wasn’t shocked by the ruling because the child was only a toddler and despite the mother struggling with alcohol, she had been the child’s primary caregiver and there was no evidence of her actually abusing the child while under the influence. However, the ruling was not why I chose to tell this story but rather the words Judge Casseb said to me and the opposing counsel after the ruling was given. The words that he said rings through my soul til this day and is ultimately one of the reasons why I started my firm. He said “Counsel, I don’t want to see these two (our clients) back in front of me again. You both need to do your best to resolve the rest of their issues together, outside of the court, because "THE COURT IS NO PLACE FOR FAMILIES.”
Now, Judge Casseb didn’t give further information on what he meant by the statement but, to me, he didn’t need to. What his statement meant to me was that both parties needed to do their best to communicate with one another and resolve their issues amongst themselves instead of wasting attorneys fees on a court hearing and having a judge, they just met, make a pivotal decision regarding how and when they can see their child.
If you and your child’s other parent can learn to properly communicate with one another, it can literally save you tens of thousands of dollars. (Yes, I have had divorce and custody cases that have costed north of $10,000!) Proper communication can also eliminate the added stress to your life that comes from constant bickering and arguing between you and your child’s other parent.
If you are a parent that is ready to learn how to communicate better for the sake of your child, your pockets, and your own mental health, please follow the steps below:
1. Heal your trauma.
The main thing that affects communication is the ability to understand the other person that is trying to communicate with you. The ability to understand another will be limited if you have certain trauma or pain that you haven’t dealt with. You must deal with and understand yourself before you can deal with and underhand others. If you don’t, a lot of communication you will receive from others will be misunderstood. And once a person feels misunderstood, the communication line will be broken and bickering and arguments will persist. So, please, if you aren’t participating in counseling or any support groups, I urge you to do so!
2. Apologize.
It is extremely hard to communicate with someone who has hurt you deeply and has no remorse for what they’ve done. If you truly want to get along with your child’s other parent, you must apologize for the pain that you’ve caused them. Once a sincere apology is given, then they will be able listen to what you’re saying and begin to make decisions with you concerning your child. It is important to note that an apology is not just words, but action! You can’t just say you’re sorry to your child’s other parent, but you must show them you’re sorry by how you treat them.
3. Take the high road.
In the famous words of First Lady Michelle Obama, “When they go low, we go high!” Sometimes the issue isn’t you. You may have healed your trauma and you’ve apologized to your child’s other parent, but they still hold anger towards you. When this happens, you have to remember that taking the high road is the best option. You don’t need to hurl insults and call your child’s parent out of their name because they did it to you. It is best to show respect towards them. In fact, a lot of the time when someone is disrespecting you, their goal is to make you upset and act out of character. Do not give your child’s other parent this power. Maintain who you are despite the circumstances. I know this may sound like a cliché but kill them with kindness. If your child’s other parent realizes they can’t get a rise out of you, they will stop trying to do so.
4. Don’t use others or your children as the messenger.
By using others to communicate for you, you are avoiding taking responsibility for your own actions and denying yourself maturity. Instead of owning up to your mistakes and learning how to properly communicate with your child’s other parent, you say things like “We just don’t get along” or “They just won’t listen to me.” Both of those statements may sound good, but in reality, they are both complete cop outs. They’re essentially saying that I’d rather avoid my problems and stay in the past (immature) instead of finding a solution that can move me forward. Instead of avoiding your child’s other parent, take the steps necessary (steps mentioned in this post) to build a real co-parenting relationship where you both can exist in the same mental and emotional space to love and raise your child.
5. Remember who your child’s other parent is.
When we’ve been hurt, it is easy to focus on the hurt and forget what someone once meant to us or who someone is to us. If you were previously in a romantic relationship with your child’s other parent, remember that at some point you used to love that person so they can’t be all bad, right? There was some good inside of them that you were drawn to. Remember that good. If you weren’t in a romantic relationship with your child’s other parent, remember that regardless of how you may feel about them, they still are the reason that your child exist. They gave you an irreplaceable gift, and that alone is a reason to at least have respect for them. You must remember that at the end of the day, you share a child with another person and that the child deserves to have both of you in their lives in a healthy manner.
Before I end this post, I would like to state that communication is not easy. To be honest, learning how to properly communicate with another is very hard work. However, it is something that must be done in order for co-parents to effectively raise a child. I encourage you to stop trying to take the easy road out and LEARN to communicate with your child’s other parent. This road may be more difficult to go down, but your bank account, your mental health, and most importantly, your child will thank you for it!
-Attorney LEE
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